By the middle of november things have kept the same,
but I was worried this was just about sex for him.
Passion was great, but sometimes I had the feeling there was no love involved at all.
What was I? Just meant for him? He was romantic, cheesy and all, but it was obvious he was faking it, just did so to keep me content. How did I know? His eyes could tell everything, the sadness that never seemed to leave him.
In 3 months and a few days more the words “I love you” had never gotten out of his mouth, he was like unable to tell those words to me at all. And I was falling in love even more with him! I knew in what I was gettin into, he told me clearly, but I was desperate to hear those words from him. If I wanted to save myself from a heartbreak, I knew I had to break up with him, I just needed to be strong to do it. But it was so hard, my desire towards him was too big!
I couldn't help falling in love even more with him; there was his big passion towards me and his career, whenever we were done having sex, he'd study almost right after wards or he'd help me with my homework at the same time he was studying.
“It's important for me to know it all, I need to, if I make a mistake, people could die”. If I ever objected he'd say gently. Why medical staff always say that?
“Besides, what If I read something that could give my team a new approach? Medicine keeps updating, you know”. He could keep on like that for hours, so I decided not interrupt him at all.
Seeing him at hospital made me love him even more. He was always attentive, kind with his patients, especially kids with cancer, he'd do magic tricks for them, sing along with them, teach them christian values with star wars characters... I know, weird, but it was funny! The whole thing with Jesus being strong with the force was just surreal.
He was kind with nurses. Kind above anything, and he only allowed himself to be talkative to them. He'd try to spoil them too, make them feel good, even carried gifts for everyone. But at times he'd get too involved and just get hurt whenever one of the kids would die.
Everyone could see he loved helping people as much as he could. Something I noticed was that whenever a family couldn't afford the treatment, we all know how some insurances work, magically some anonymous philanthropist would pay that kid's treatment, at 1st I didn't suspect of him, but once going through his mail looking for some of his magazine subscriptions I came across a few receipts that matched the donations a few patients had received.
But though he was the kindest person in the world, he didn't love me. I had talked to my friends, my coach and other people I trusted and the conclusion was that if he wasn't ready for a relationship, the best thing I could do was to let him go. Thinking it was fate or some childish fantasy was just that, a childish fantasy. After all he was still keeping in touch with that girl, they were just friends, but I know whenever he'd get upset with her he'd buy himself something really expensive and have sex with me harshly, which I honestly enjoyed.
So one afternoon after dinner, when he was done complimenting my mom's cooking skills, though I don't blame him, my mom cooks well and he was living after tuna sandwiches and ice cream whenever he was at hospital. I asked him to go out on a walk. We both were silent.
“I need to tell you something” I said almost whispering.
“Sure” he stared at me with those beautiful eyes, damn!
“Do you love me more than cooked food? Please, I need to know if you love me at least more than cooked food, I know I'm rambling but just answer”
"You're cute when you ramble and miss Roth, I do love you more than cooked food” he said gently and gave me the sweetest smile ever. - My heart was already pumping faster, so I knew he was smiling over my red face, I hate being fair skinned!- I hugged him as strongly as I could.
“What was the thing you wanted to tell me?” he asked.
"Do you wanna come to Paris with me? Next competition, you know”. I chickened, so I only could say that.
“Of course, I'd follow you everywhere.” He said gently and then kissed my hand, and gave me the most malicious smile ever without stopping to stare at me. I melted.